Jersey Shore Recap: "We're Not in Jersey Anymore"

Buongiorno! The Jersey Shore paaarty's here!We begin by revisiting the cast in their natural tri-state area habitats. And fret not, fist-pumpers, things haven't changed a bit. The guidos and guidettes are exactly the same (save for a few pounds lost) and are ready to take their homeland by storm! Here's where we stand in brief: -- Snooki is trying to figure out the difference between a country, a city, and a continent.-- Deena plans to bring a guy home, but "won't do sex." (She's going to figure them out first, then do sex later).-- Pauly has a suitcase just for transporting international plugs for his blowdryers. He likens Italy to an "international panty raid."-- Vinny is so "much more better looking," and hoping to find a nice, traditional Italian girl.-- Situaton warns Italians to lock up their daughters and handcuff their wives.-- JWoww: isn't worrying about cheating on Roger, because Italy doesn't make 6'4'' juiceheads with tattoos.-- Ronnie is ready for a fresh start and is done with being a bitch.-- Sammi knows how to say "I have cramps" in Italian.And they're off! The boys arrive at the palace first, and from the marble-tiled floors to the porcelain bidet (that won't end well), it's a bit of a departure from the wooden dump in Seaside Heights where they used to reside. Room assignments are made: Vinny, Pauly, and Deena in one room; Ronnie (looking beefier than usual) and Situation in the second, and JWoww, Sammi, and Snook in the third.The motley crew decides to go sightseeing. Requisite boozing ensues, and after beefy Ronnie breaks a table by sitting on it, they call it a night.In the morning, Papa Pauly D. serves as the guido wakeup committee, using a blow horn as an alarm that sounds eerily similar to the duck phone of Jersey Shore's past. The gang sits around the kitchen table and play "How many idiots does it take to read a map?" and everyone loses. The boys and girls split up, and the gents do what most people do when they get to a beautiful foreign country with centuries of ancient history: They go to the gym! They play with ropes and do other weird things to alleviate their roid rage, then reconvene with their lady counterparts at the house.Juicy Ronnie and the Sitch have an intense chat, where the Sitch admits that he and Snooki have shadily smushed over the past few months, even though Snooki had a boyfriend at the time.Then... the cabs are here (taxi sono qui)! They depart for the discoteca and the girls are rocking their sluttiest of slutwear complimented by burnt weaves. Meanwhile, the guys are looking FTD (fresh to death, duh!). At the club, everyone is having a great time, until things start to get weird. The Situation starts closing in on Snooki, but then - out of nowhere - Deena and Pauly start tongue kissing like some rare breed of lizard! It's gross yet we can't turn away! And just when you think it's over...the lizard-tongue-kissing continues. The episode closes leaving us in suspense for next week. Will Deena and Pauly smush? Will Snooki cheat on her juicy gorilla boyfriend? If I were a betting woman I'd say the answer to all of the above is likely yes.Here are some other things we learned in this episode: -- Snooki knows how to drive stick and has lopsided breasts (when she lays down, they go to the side).-- JWoww is channeling a bobblehead with a severe meth-addict-like jawline and flat abs.-- Deena doesn't do birds.-- Vinnie is the only one who speaks Italian, and thus serves as the lady ambassador for the dudes.-- Ronnie just wants to dance.Ciao! show less